Election '06 -- The Goldstein Retort:

DISPATCH 4: TACO TIME
A CITIZEN JOURNALIST tries to put tonight’s Democrat victories into perspective

first neocon: “So. Now what?”

second neocon: “Well, as I see it, we can do one of two things: we can scratch our heads, rend our garments, and rail against the shortsightedness of an electorate that has decided to change the leadership that, for all its many faults, is nevertheless responsible for 4.4% unemployment, a Dow over 12K, lower taxes across the board, and no attacks on the homeland post-911…”

first neocon: “Or…?”

second neocon: “Or we could thank God Bush has veto power, turn off the tv, and go grab ourselves some tacos. Because let’s face it: even the prospect of a disastrous pullout from Iraq and the return of a foreign policy based around impotent bluster and feckless appeals to international consensus can’t ruin a good taco. Unless, that is, you’re an Iraqi who believed all that bullshit about our commitment to staying the course.”

second neocon: “In which case, you’re pretty well screwed, tasty taco or no tasty taco.”

DISPATCH 3: GRACE NOTES
Like the earlier exit poll of my breakfast spread, this anecdote hardly counts as scientific, but according to my neighbor, 10-year-old Grace — whom I spotted piloting a Big Wheel along the asphalt in a series of small figure eights on my way back home from teaching my son how to throw rocks at the local prairie dogs — the Dems have this election “cinched tighter than a midget’s fist.”

Not only that, but according to Grace, “if there’s any blame to go around, it lies with colossal disappointments like Denny Hastert and the execrable Trent Lott, who has never, I don’t believe, met a political wind he wouldn’t ride like some sort of super-cynical kite with molded plastic hair.”

— Of course, this being the middle of the day and all, we can conclude that young Grace is the product of home schooling. And we all know how intellectually reliable those godbothering hicks are. So, you know — take it all with a grain of salt.

DISPATCH 2: VIEWS RE: THE VIEW

Since mathematics is the bailiwick of so-called “objective” scientists … deep breath… (though hardly anyone would dispute that the presentation of statistical findings is more often than not these days inappropriately massaged with the slick oils of the Humanities and Social Sciences, frequently under the pretense of “rhetorical explication” or some such)… exhale… I’ll leave the predictions based on number crunching, polling algorithms, and other earthy endeavors to those who, like dutiful pigs armed with spreadsheets and slide rules, enjoy rolling around in the demographic slop.

For my part, I’ll simply skip the perfunctory nod toward objectivity and treat you to a reading of the cultural mood using as my indicator the semiotics of clothing — a predictive analytical tool that, given the vagaries of hermeneutics, is absolutely fullproof.

To wit: on today’s “The View,” by way of example, were Democratic shill Joy Behar wearing a green pant suit, one can argue that — whether consciously or unconsciously — “Joy” (how bitterly ironic that name on this, a day of inglorious ideological deflation!) is feeling envious, in which case she believes, at least on some level, that the Democrats are not going to achieve the massive mandate adjustment that the hard left has been trying to affect over the past several years; conversely, and should we wish to go a different route, we can conclude Ms Behar is feeling enriched and youthful, a sign that the Democrats will indeed achieve the mandate they are hoping for, and that the salad days of Democratic control of government are once again upon us — a rebirth reflected in the color of springtime and renewal that Joy (how appropriate that name on this, the most glorious of days, where reactionary mouthbreathers are beaten back with the polished club of nuance!) has chosen to show the public.

Similarly, should Rosie O’Donnell be wearing something black, we can take that as either a conscious or unconscious manifestation of mourning — a sign that she believes, despite her sincerest hopes (and despite the mainstream media having it’s thumb on the scale) that the Republicans will retain control of Congress, and that another several years of cold, dark night will once again befall a once great nation, leading to the inevitable purging of homosexuals and gypsies.

Either that or she, y’know, finds black kinda slimming. Which, hey, that’s why this is an art, not a science.
And before you ask, no, I have no idea what to make of Barbara Walters appearing in a wetsuit and carrying a trident — though if I had to guess, I’d bet her handlers left her sitting too long under the hair dryer again.

Developing…

DISPATCH 1: PRIVATE EXIT POLL LEAKED, LEAKED!

“A quick exit poll of my breakfast table reveals the potential for a 20-25 vote shift for Democrats in the House, with Republicans barely hanging onto the Senate.

“For its part, the decidedly conservative-leaning bacon seems quite glum; while the Honey Nut Cheerios, which consider themselves “libertarian,” seem unconcerned. Of course, that could just be the bong hits and a Reasonesque anti-establishment affectation.

“As far as the outliers go, the oven-warmed croissants are predicting a 50-70 vote shift in the House and a decided Senate takeover for Democrats, followed in short order by an impeachment initiative, an immediate withdrawal of most of our troops from Iraq, and a “Pelosi Revolution” — which, if my French isn’t failing me, entails the resurgence of the Cardinal Red power suit and an uptick in Clinique anti-aging skin care sales.

“But then, the croissants watch nothing but MSNBC, so not even the Belgian waffles — no friends of the GOP — are taking these feverish dough puffs all too seriously. “

Developing….

Mr. Goldstein will be covering the election for Pajamas from his, er, “special” perspective throughout the day and far into the night.